They say running is a great way to relieve stress, boost your health, and feel alive. What they don’t tell you is that running also reveals just how unprepared your body is for high-speed escape… from a squirrel.
It all started on a sunny Tuesday when I made the fateful decision: I’m going to become a runner. I imagined myself gliding down a path, sweat glistening like an Olympic commercial, neighbors waving as I passed by like a suburban gazelle. Reality, however, had very different plans.
I laced up my shoes—by which I mean the dusty sneakers I wore to mow the lawn three years ago—and stood confidently on my driveway. After two minutes, my lungs were filing a formal complaint, my knees were calling HR, and my self-esteem was face-planting next to a trash can.
Naturally, I blamed the shoes. Because if there’s one thing that makes you a runner, it’s the shoes, right?
So I did some research (a.k.a. Googling “why do my feet hate me?”), and that’s when I discovered a game-changer—and yes, a discount code. Using an On Running promo code, I scored a new pair of shoes that promised to make running feel like I was “landing on clouds.” Not that I’ve ever landed on a cloud, but if they meant “not feeling like your ankles are filing for divorce,” then it was accurate.
The First Run With Real Running Shoes
My second attempt at running was more promising. I made it past the neighbor’s mailbox before collapsing. Progress.
But hey, my shoes looked fast. And that’s half the battle. In fact, based on how they shined in the sunlight, I’m fairly certain I was mistaken for a local superhero. A small child even asked, “Are you okay, mister?” which I assume was code for “Wow, you run like the wind.”
When Running Becomes an Olympic Comedy Event
You never truly understand your body’s betrayal until it hiccups mid-run and nearly launches you into someone’s recycling bin. I call it “recovery with flair.” My playlist wasn’t helping either—going from Eminem to Enya is not how you stay in the zone. One moment you’re ready to conquer the world, the next you’re reevaluating your childhood during a harp solo.
Oh, and don’t get me started on the running apps. They love reminding you that you’ve only gone 0.25 miles. With the audacity of a disappointed parent.
The Truth About Becoming a “Runner”
In all honesty, I’m starting to enjoy it. I no longer run from something—I run toward something: peace, energy, better health… and occasionally, the ice cream truck. Each step, though wobbly and overly dramatic, is a reminder that effort matters more than elegance.
And while I might not win a marathon anytime soon (or ever), I do have a great collection of sports memes and a pair of shoes that feel like walking on marshmallow pillows.
Final Thoughts
If you’re like me—skeptical, semi-sedentary, and full of misplaced confidence—just try it. Embrace the awkward jogs, the stitch in your side, and the confused squirrels. And maybe, just maybe, reward yourself with some proper gear.
Because no one said the road to fitness wouldn’t include sarcasm, sweat, and a little bit of shopping genius.